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February 17, 2008

Comments

meg

I miss it too. Even though I would not still be pg. I still dream about it sometimes.

I feel so many of the things you have written here. The sadness that there will be no more chances...

I truly don't know how anyone grows closer after this. I don't have an answer. I think you just keep trying and hope like hell that loss and infertility won't take your marriage along with everything else it has taken. That's what I'm doing with it anyway.

And I've accepted that there will be no happily ever after. It's just not possible after all this loss (for me anyway). I hope it can be for you though.

My Reality

My marriage has suffered from this whole process greatly. It is difficult and I don't have an answer for you about this one.

For me, as an adoptee, I was aware growing up that having a baby wasn't something that could be taken for granted and it didn't always happen for everyone in the traditional sense. I think this has been helpful in that I know that a family is still just as much a family even if it is not created in the traditional sense.

Aunt Becky

I can only imagine how hard it must be to carry on some days, and I am so sorry.

I wish I had something good and meaningful to say to you (as I always wish), but I seem to be tapped out.

Just know that I am here with you, holding your hand and sharing a cup of coffee. And possibly discussing Yaks.

Geohde

Your thoughts about where you shoould by rights be, but for some horrible luck, are very valid. Helpful, or not, they're real and the truth.

As for me, to be honest my husband and I bickered like hell coming up to the last IVF and we've had some impressive barneys since the pregnancy. I don't think the stress of the bad times is that easily erased by any good news. But I do know that I will hang with this man while we go through whatever comes.

J

Sam

I missed it for a while as well. It was only really after my due date that things started to even out a bit.

Me and mine have had ups and downs over this - people grieve so differently and it's hard when you're doing one type of grieving to see someone else who appears to not grieve as much. I think they do though, in their own way. I found it helped when I told him just how rubbish I was feeling - inadequate and a failure and scared that he would want to be with someone else.

I think we do feel closer now but it is a bit up and down at times.

Bon

it's one of the hardest questions, i think...and i think to find happiness without pieces of the picture that you've always considered key actually requires a major paradigm shift, to a different sort of picture. if you can embrace that new picture - which i've never succeeded in, but been lucky enough to have it eventually come together, even it is frayed and broken in places - then i think there can be great happiness to be found. but if the picture you're living is always going to be second-best in your judgement, then it's going to feel that way too.

but in terms of the struggling through together...the way i see it, after the experience of grief, how could either of us find anyone who would understand? anyone else would be outside those sorrows, but still powerless to erase them.

niobe

Over time, I've realized that the only person I can truly count on is myself. When you're not looking for support or understanding from others, you don't feel quite as bad when it turns out that they're incapable of giving it.

Searching

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. IF and losing a child sucks royally and there is nothing that will make that completely go away. I'm praying for you, that you find a way to muddle through this rotten time.

meg

I tagged you for a fun little meme. Hope you like it!

luna

this is so hard. I still miss being pg too, feeling special, normal, wonderful and happy. I miss the excitement and anticipation and vision of our future. I feel like that's been stolen. and I'm also terrified this is the end.

I agree with the comments that after a loss, there might not be any happily ever after. I truly hope that we are able to find some happiness, but nothing is ever the same again.

fter what you've been through, the hopelessness and despair and alienation you feel is natural. I'm so sorry you feel distant from your dh, and that maybe he doesn't know how to support you. we experience things so differently than them.

I know my husband suffered when we lost our son. but he viewed it as a loss of our future, our hopes and dreams. (he also had to care for me and deferred his own grief.) for me it was far more real, it was present, it was NOW. yes, our future was stolen, but that's not all. as a woman whose body failed her baby, I had my own issues to deal with on top of the very real loss of my boy growing inside.

I guess what I'm trying to say is it's ok to feel like you're in a different place than your dh. if you think it could help, tell him where you are and how you feel. I know it really helped me to talk with my grief counselor about the differences between my dh and me. she got it, and it helped me cope and deal and approach the next steps.

wishing you all the best, carlynn. you so deserve it. ~luna

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