Still Passing Open Windows ....

Warming up

Tomorrow I start phase 1 of this next IVF cycle. I am not thinking about it. La la la la la. LA LA LA. Not thinking about it. So far it is working, but I am pretty sure that by the time I hit wand exams I will be a nervous wreck, hitting all my little homeopathic bottles of remedies and then spending 3 hours feverishly searching the internet for any possible reason why I should not be taking such-and-such remedy while doing IVF.

It's weird. I don't really know where I am. There is part of me that really misses being pregnant and hopes that one day, against all the odds, I will actually carry a pregnancy to term. Then there is another part of me that is so tired of trying the latest fertility trick/avoiding coffee/trying to reduce stress/doing yet another blood test. Part of me is just so used to not having children that I think, "Is it really worth it, Carlynn?" And then I will have a seriously bad day and think piteously, "I would be such a great mother!" and I'm off searching for adoption sites and stories. This is usually followed by another day of lying on the couch with a junk book and chocolate and thinking, "Man, I just don't have the generosity of spirit to be a mother."

So you see, no idea where I stand.

I'm sort of in limbo. There are still possibilities and so I don't have to work on accepting a childfree life. And I am terrified of diving into that swamp because it tends to suck me down and I spend the next month spitting out black self-hatred and smelling evilly of swamp water as I slump through life with my knuckles grazing the ground like a true swamp creature (well, the swamp creatures in my mind at least) trying to avoid everyone.

In the meantime I am apartment hunting. You know, why not buy a new flat and move everything we own while we attempt to have a baby and H is sweating blood as he learns a new demanding job that means a lot to him?  Oh yes, and did I tell you I crashed into a motorbike  a motorbike crashed into me last week and my car might be totalled? While waiting to hear its fate I am taking the bus with crazy bag ladies who yell, "It's green! Go! Go!" to the bus driver as soon as the traffic lights change.   

Testing, testing, once, twice ...

As one does, I was sitting at work thinking about life in general and my hormones in particular. Tuesday I went to see my RE. The first time I saw him, he barely looked up from the paperwork and seemed shocked to hear me express an opinion, mainly one of "No hormones. I want to do an unmedicated IUI." Fast forward three years, molto IUIs, molto injections, one IVF cycle, three transfers and two losses and he now says, "I know how much you have suffered." I'm thinking his clinic has sent him on a touchy feely seminar or his wife gave him a stiff talking to about his bedside manner. Whatever it is, I don't think it's a good sign. I obviously spend too much time in tears in his office.

"But it's good that he understands what you're going through," says a friend.

Mmm. I guess. I would have preferred to still have our slightly distant relationship that an IVF cycle every 2-3 years for the next child would have brought us.

Anyway, back to my desk. So I was sitting there thinking about my hormones and as one does, I got to reading about FSH on the internet. Not a good idea, as we all know. I found out that one high FSH reading is a very bad sign. One high FSH pretty much means your eggs are on the downward slide, even if they are sandwiched between two totally normal readings. I also kept on reading about the FSH test being done on day 3. The more I thought about it, the more I was convinced that I had done the FSH test with my RE on day one. The fourth time I read this, I gathered up my handbag and my coat and headed off to the closest laboratory to do the test on the real day 3.

"When will you have the results?" I asked.

"Tomorrow afternoon," said the nurse.

The next afternoon I was in the laboratory as soon as I could leave work and opening the envelope in the lift on the way down. "FSH: 6.6." I read and I burst into tears. I still pick up the piece of paper and look at that figure and think, "Thank you, thank you, thank you so much."

One piece of good news. Finally. My FSH hasn't budged since 2006. My RE is testing my AMH which he says is a more accurate measurement but I don't care. If we are to go forward with another cycle, the clinic we are working with just wants an FSH below 10 and the estradiol reading; and they are fine. And I am so glad. So happy. It feels like a reprieve.

And for now it feels wonderful.

Bagels

We brought back bagels from our trip. Lots of bagels. "I'll just get a dozen," said H. Into the bag went pumperknickel, cinnamon raisin and some everything. "And 2 poppy seed and 4 sesame," says H. "You have 14 already," replies the guy behind the counter. Needless to say we travelled back with a huge bag of bagels and a little cloud of garlic that was practically visible.

So, we have been eating lots of bagels. My favourite is cinnamon raisin with peanut butter. H's favourite is an everything with cream cheese, ham and cheese.

What's your favourite bagel topping?