Warming up

Tomorrow I start phase 1 of this next IVF cycle. I am not thinking about it. La la la la la. LA LA LA. Not thinking about it. So far it is working, but I am pretty sure that by the time I hit wand exams I will be a nervous wreck, hitting all my little homeopathic bottles of remedies and then spending 3 hours feverishly searching the internet for any possible reason why I should not be taking such-and-such remedy while doing IVF.

It's weird. I don't really know where I am. There is part of me that really misses being pregnant and hopes that one day, against all the odds, I will actually carry a pregnancy to term. Then there is another part of me that is so tired of trying the latest fertility trick/avoiding coffee/trying to reduce stress/doing yet another blood test. Part of me is just so used to not having children that I think, "Is it really worth it, Carlynn?" And then I will have a seriously bad day and think piteously, "I would be such a great mother!" and I'm off searching for adoption sites and stories. This is usually followed by another day of lying on the couch with a junk book and chocolate and thinking, "Man, I just don't have the generosity of spirit to be a mother."

So you see, no idea where I stand.

I'm sort of in limbo. There are still possibilities and so I don't have to work on accepting a childfree life. And I am terrified of diving into that swamp because it tends to suck me down and I spend the next month spitting out black self-hatred and smelling evilly of swamp water as I slump through life with my knuckles grazing the ground like a true swamp creature (well, the swamp creatures in my mind at least) trying to avoid everyone.

In the meantime I am apartment hunting. You know, why not buy a new flat and move everything we own while we attempt to have a baby and H is sweating blood as he learns a new demanding job that means a lot to him?  Oh yes, and did I tell you I crashed into a motorbike  a motorbike crashed into me last week and my car might be totalled? While waiting to hear its fate I am taking the bus with crazy bag ladies who yell, "It's green! Go! Go!" to the bus driver as soon as the traffic lights change.   

Comments

[Geohde]

Sorry to hear about your car- ouch!

As for the IVF cycle, I'd be scared witless given what you've been through and what's riding on it. I hope it goes smoothly and, more importantly, sucessfully. Very successfully.

J

[Pamela Jeanne]

Ah, yes, the emotional roller coaster. This is why I dislike the actual roller coaster so much. I've had far too many virtual rides to ever want to get near the thing again. Your feelings are absolutely valid -- and I might add -- very familiar.

I so hope all goes well so that you can hop off the 'coaster once and for all!

[Sam]

I so know what you mean. I am completely ambivalent about having children - on the one hand I want it more than anything, on the other I'm terrified. All my inadequacies seem to come into sharp relief when I even consider the thought that I *might* have a successful pregnancy one day.

As for limbo - I know exactly what you mean there too. I've been trying to think of what else I could do with my time and energy but don't get very far.

Best of luck with the IVF!!! Keep us up to date.
x

[Searching]

Ugh, what a difficult, delicate place you are in. Sending you my thoughts and prayers for whatever the coming month brings. And I think you'll be a wonderful mother.

[Becky]

Maybe I don't understand precisely how you feel, but I also feel like I live my life in a limbo. It's tough.

I'm crossing my fingers, my cats, my dog, my bunny, and my husband that everything works out well.

*hugs*

(P.S. Enjoy the bus.)

[Lyrehca]

Good luck with this cycle. While you're ambivalent, honestly, I don't think you would go through what you're going through with fertility treatments if you really didn't want children.

Chilling with chocolate on the couch sounds like self-preservation, not a sign that you don't want a child.

And sadly, I would be one of those ladies on the bus. I yell at people in my car when the light turns green and traffic doesn't move fast enough.

[Lyrehca]

Good luck with this cycle. While you're ambivalent, honestly, I don't think you would go through what you're going through with fertility treatments if you really didn't want children.

Chilling with chocolate on the couch sounds like self-preservation, not a sign that you don't want a child.

And sadly, I would be one of those ladies on the bus. I yell at people in my car when the light turns green and traffic doesn't move fast enough.

[luna]

good luck in whatever you decide, carlynn. and sorry about your car. hope you're ok. ~luna

[Karen]

I am pretty much in limbo, too except I'm at the tail end of my last IVF cycle, not at the beginning. It's not going well, to say the least. I think it's so hard to look at the choices we have because they're missing the one choice we really want-to just have a baby like everyone else. I hope this IVf cycle ends the roller coaster for you.

[Deathstar]

Just to be hopeful, lotus flowers only bloom in muddy swamps. I'm planning on adopting and I've spent much couch time wondering if I really want this as much as I wanted what could have been. Does that make sense?