Still Passing Open Windows ....

Well ...

You know what's coming don't you? This cycle started ok. There were four follicules, not a lot admittedly but at least a starting point. I did the injections etc. etc. and at my first scan what do they spot? A dominant monster follicule. So, this cycle is officially cancelled.

I keep on telling myself it could be worse. It was a risk with a the protocol I was following, that there would be a dominant follicule. At least I responded. At least there were follicules. At least it wasn't cancelled because of lack of follicules. Still, I am pretty pissed off, which I suppose is also better than being weepy. Anyway. So, I have cancelled the hotel, changed my ticket and the good thing is I fly back to H tomorrow. Also I have done some fun things this week and I always like travelling so it's not like it is all bad.

Have to hang on to that thought.

Chocolate spread on toast

There is wonderful news at the moment and there is really shitty news . I am like a janus face, smiling with joy at Niobe's and feeling so sad about Aunty Becky's. I don't tie things together well and I am unable to go on and pay tribute to either of these great bloggers and link their news into my post, but their news really touched me and I wanted to mention them.

Back to me, I am eating chocolate spread on toast. H is out tonight and leaves on a trip tomorrow so it will be a week of toast. Toast with tuna. Toast with sardines. Toast with chocolate spread. Toast with marmite. Maybe toast with cheese as we have a LOT of cheese in the fridge and we leave on Saturday. Me for The Cycle, H on business.

This week I promise to myself to stay out of pharmacies. Today I had to buy sunblock and some rescue remedy so I went to two different pharmacies, actually three as I had to drop off a prescription too. Big mistake. At the first pharmacy I bought maca because the little advertising thingy to the left of the till said it boosted male and female fertility. At the second pharmacy I bought royal jelly as I read last week that it boosts ovarian function. At the third pharmacy I was starting to slow down and I only bought rescue remedy. Thank goodness. Once I pick up this prescription, which is vitamins and oligo elements, my suitcase will be 80% pills. And then I come home and eat chocolate on toast. Well, it is organic chocolate spread. And the bread was organic too. And it had sesame seeds. Those must count for something.

If anyone has any tips for fertility boosting, I'm your woman. Any ideas on stress management will also be welcome. So far I only have herbal sleeping tablets, homeopathic anxiety drops, herbal tea, decaf coffee, my yoga book and one bottle of rescue remedy and one box of rescue remedy pills. Still lots of room. Worried? Who, me?

And Niobe and Becky's news helps to encourage and remind me in equal measure. Anything is possible.

The time to hesitate is through

I'm listening to The Doors, can you tell? As the date for the IVF cycle approaches I am surprisingly calm. I don't know how this will go but I am hoping that it all goes ok. I am hoping that I remain this calm. I hope there are enough follicules. I hope enough fertilise. I hope this finally gives us a child.

I can see our children sometimes. I can imagine a lanky ten year old leaning against me as I sit at my aunt's dining room table, just because he's bored (and yes, I know boys don't do this but it's my daydream). I imagine his slightly bolshy sister downstairs in her bedroom shouting at her younger brother because A SHOP KEEPER IS NOT SUPPOSED TO PLAY CARS! I can see a little bemused toddler with food all over her face from lunch sitting on the floor and watching this scene, and I can hear my aunt looking frazzled and saying, "Carlynn, shouldn't you go down there?" I know, I know, four kids. Where did I come up with that? I don't know. It's just the scene I imagined. Maybe it's because after all this time I don't know how many children will fill this need that drives me on. I wonder if we have one child from this surrogacy if I will always want another child and if somehow I will pass this feeling of not being enough on to my only child? I wonder if I have two if I will always long for more. And I wonder if somehow we did have four kids, how would H manage? Four kids is a lot of money, and H takes his responsibilities seriously. Not to mention his love of plush hotels and nice restaurants! As you can see, despite myself I am taking this daydream seriously. It sure beats worrying about the number of embryos.

If suddenly today you could have as many children as your heart desired (physical limits and money aside), how many do you think you would like?