A while ...

Yes, I know it's been a while. It's partly due to not having a computer at home and partly due to my general passiveness this year. I won't even tell you the amount of things I have just not done this year but I am letting most things float by. I am also reading less blogs. I was just immersed in infertility and loss and I decided I needed to back off, to find an easier equilibrium. I think I may have found it and I have gone back to checking out some old favourites, but I read a lot less than I used to.

We are preparing for another IVF with our surrogate. I have been toying with the idea of doing a joint transfer. H thinks I'm mad. Some days I think maybe I should try one more time. Other times I do wonder if I could handle that worry that lodges in your throat and escapes at 3 in the morning. Can I do another pregnancy where I'm worried all the time? Could I handle another loss? I don't think so. So I wonder if I am just trying to prove something, that I can stay pregnant, dammit! To prove to all the effortlessly fertile friends that I can do it. And why? They don't expect that from me. I think they will just be happy when I have a baby. But still there is the siren call of being pregnant, of watching the baby grow and feeling it move, of experiencing this and having it work out fine for once. But what if it doesn't? That is the question ...

I have thought of closing this blog down many times, many, many times. I just haven't done it. I like the contact with the people I have met. I have thought of changing its slant, of just writing less about infertility and loss and more about life. I know there are bloggers who do that. I might try it. Then again, I might just not blog for another few months. I like blogging, I like having a blog. I just don't end up sitting in front of the computer and actually doing what I've thought of. Story of my life actually. And maybe that's ok, maybe that is just me and I need to drop all this "but other people write fabulous blogs and post gorgeous photos". Maybe that's it - just let my blog be what it is and let my body be what it is and not force another pregnancy. But still, I think, "Maybe it will be different?"

Comments

[Becky]

I'm so glad to hear from you. I keep meaning to email you and then my swiss cheese brain dumps that idea out and I scratch my head, wondering what the hell I was going to do.

I think you should keep your blog and just write what you want to write. About whatever you want. It's hard to get back to writing when you've been gone. Then I always over think whatever I want to say and it sounds dumb.

*smootches*

Heart you.

[Geohde]

I, for one, am always glad to hear an update from you.

xx

g

[Lyrehca]

Hi--I too am glad to see you writing again and maybe it would help your mind to focus on other life things. Infertility can be so all-consuming, and it would probably be good for you to write about other stuff.

Looking forward to more posts from you.

[Mel]

I like your blog as it is and I like it when you pop back on and just let us know that all is okay.

[niobe]

Thinking of you.

[Artblog]

Don't close down, pwease! I can feel it happening soon and I want you to be around to blog about it...

Hoping, hoping and I really don't know what I'd do if I were deliberating doing both at the same time, really hard question.

Good luck my love.

HUGS

[kami]

Posting every once in awhile makes it easy to keep up. I am always, always behind.

Interestingly, I am thinking about trying one more time with my eggs even though it isn't likely to work. I am wondering why too. Probably for the same reasons - to prove that I can.

[Sam]

I'm just back from a long break. It feels weird. It's nice to see you about here though.

I understand how you feel about giving it one more go. If you can, I say why not.