Yes, I know it's been a while. It's partly due to not having a computer at home and partly due to my general passiveness this year. I won't even tell you the amount of things I have just not done this year but I am letting most things float by. I am also reading less blogs. I was just immersed in infertility and loss and I decided I needed to back off, to find an easier equilibrium. I think I may have found it and I have gone back to checking out some old favourites, but I read a lot less than I used to.
We are preparing for another IVF with our surrogate. I have been toying with the idea of doing a joint transfer. H thinks I'm mad. Some days I think maybe I should try one more time. Other times I do wonder if I could handle that worry that lodges in your throat and escapes at 3 in the morning. Can I do another pregnancy where I'm worried all the time? Could I handle another loss? I don't think so. So I wonder if I am just trying to prove something, that I can stay pregnant, dammit! To prove to all the effortlessly fertile friends that I can do it. And why? They don't expect that from me. I think they will just be happy when I have a baby. But still there is the siren call of being pregnant, of watching the baby grow and feeling it move, of experiencing this and having it work out fine for once. But what if it doesn't? That is the question ...
I have thought of closing this blog down many times, many, many times. I just haven't done it. I like the contact with the people I have met. I have thought of changing its slant, of just writing less about infertility and loss and more about life. I know there are bloggers who do that. I might try it. Then again, I might just not blog for another few months. I like blogging, I like having a blog. I just don't end up sitting in front of the computer and actually doing what I've thought of. Story of my life actually. And maybe that's ok, maybe that is just me and I need to drop all this "but other people write fabulous blogs and post gorgeous photos". Maybe that's it - just let my blog be what it is and let my body be what it is and not force another pregnancy. But still, I think, "Maybe it will be different?"
