I am in love. I have just discovered Leica cameras. The pictures they take are incredible. So much atmosphere is captured. It blows me away.
"How much is it, if I can ask?" I say.
"$19,000," says the proud owner, looking a picture of his four month old daughter.
"It's the price of a small car," says H the next day as we drive to work.
"It's the price of a small car and a half," I say. "It's the price of ...," I think aloud, "Almost 2 egg donors ... plus the price of ... mmm, yes, almost 2 egg donors ..."
which would equal, given our rate of sucess, zero babies. Yes, we are moving on to our third egg donor and still have no pregnancy, no baby in site. Incredible, n'est-ce pas?
To give the full background, the first donation was cancelled en route due to poor response. The second donation, with a different, previously successful, donor, yielded 2 embryos and zero pregnancies. We are pressing forward, more out of a sort of disbelieving stubbornness than anything else. This has to work at some point, doesn't it? It just seems incredible that there are so many babies out there and I seem totally incapable of having even one, even when I have other, fertile women's help. Unbelievable. Fascinating too, in a way. I wonder which will run out first: the money or my stubborn refusal to give up. Unfortunately it feels chillingly like it could be the money. Man, am I going to be a twisted old lady if that's the case.
It is unbelievable what bad luck (to put it mildly) you've had. I hope it's okay if I'm feeling just a little optimistic for you this next time round. Because this can't keep happening...
Posted by: niobe | October 11, 2009 at 08:01 AM
Oh I love your stubborn-ness. Stubborn gets a bad rap.
And why the hell not be stubborn? It gets you things.
Fuck we are alike. Your comment on my blog just then took my breath away.
Niobe is right. This can't keep happening. It just seriously can't. Isn't there a law of probability or some shit? I failed maths, but Goddamit C you have been through your quota of pain. Enough.
That camera sounds awesome. I wish I could steal one.
xox
Posted by: edenland | October 11, 2009 at 01:13 PM
If niobe is optimistic, that would make me shooting rainbows out of my butt. Because I am. You know that I am.
Posted by: Aunt Becky | October 11, 2009 at 03:38 PM
I so badly want to see you succeed.
I really do.
xx
g
Posted by: geohde | October 12, 2009 at 02:09 AM
oh sweetheart, I'm with everyone here, it has to work at some point, has to, has to, has to, or else!
Very, very bad luck, but most of us here have been there too, the bad luck route, it's through sheer, mule headed stubbornness that got us our babies.
Infertile stubbornness ROCKS man, keep it up!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by: Artblog | October 12, 2009 at 04:49 AM
Oh hon...have you ever had a run of bad luck. Stubbornness carried me through my infertility battle. I hope it carries you through to a positive outcome.
Posted by: Kristin | October 16, 2009 at 11:17 AM
I, too, price most things in the cost of infertility treatment. Here's hoping your stubbornness pays off.
Posted by: Alexicographer | October 16, 2009 at 12:56 PM
This one really hit home for me. I often compare the cost of things in life, to what it could afford us infertility-wise. And I feel sad that it all boils so much down to money. (*hugs*)
Posted by: Another Dreamer | October 16, 2009 at 08:39 PM