It has been a while. A long while. I've been away so that's a good excuse but also I'm thinking about things. There are big changes in the air. My parents are leaving the farm and I feel like part of my world is literally disappearing. It feels like a piece of my life is ceasing to exist and what remains is a huge dark hole, which could swallow me and not even burp. So, that is one thing. Then there are other huge possible changes in our lives. They're exciting, opening up doors on new possibilities but nowadays I'm scared of new possibilities. I feel less able to navigate them. Before I had diabetes, before I lost babies I was afraid but I thought that things would be alright on the whole and probably better in the long run. Now I think that things could be a lot worse and I worry about how much worse. Now I think that if I was stuck in an apocalyptic
scenario, it would just be a question of how long my insulin would hold out. Obviously I don't discuss this with my endocrinologist. I can just see her face if I asked, "Imagine there was a huge earthquake and most of the world was destroyed. What should I do about testing my blood sugar?"
Anyway. Lots of thoughts swirling round. There is the perennial baby thought too. What to do, what to do? It's very frustrating. No matter what we do it seems we are doomed. So why do I carry on with this blog? Well, I have asked myself that. I have considered closing it down many, many times. Often it is practically closed down. However, today I was reading a blogger talk about her blog, about moving blogs and drawing parallels with moving house and about what she has discovered through her blog. Reading this I thought that I keep my blog going because it's a connection with some wonderful women. Really great people who restore my confidence in my ability to
get on with other women, women who inspire me and keep me going on days when I say to H, "I am so bad at life, just kill me." For that reason I keep on paying my little minimum wage blog, for your encouragement and the sense of connection you have given me. Thank you. You are candles in the dark and when I don't write, I miss you all.