Quotes being used
I’m still looking for quotes, reading everything as if it could contain a sentence that will speak to me, and funnily enough, despite my resistance to what I see as a bit of a contrived idea, I am finding more stuff that does spark off ideas for things to write about in my journal. I love that word – journal – it is so much more interesting than diary, which is what I used when I was growing up. Journal sounds deep and profound and serious, something that deserves time and is a valid excuse for not being disturbed, "Excuse me, I’m working on my journal." It also has Harriet the Spy connotations and that was one of my favourite books. When I was twelve, I loved the way Harriet made notes on everything in her life and how seriously she took her ambition to be a writer. I toy with the idea of being a writer but it feels like such a deeply private ambition and it is only recently that I have started to openly talk about it.
In the Blue Rose Girls blog, there is a great entry where one of the contributors speaks of giving a presentation on how she became a writer/illustrator and there is one part in particular that I really liked, where she says, "Looking back one step didn't really lead into another. I took one step, a miracle happened, then I started stepping somewhere else." That’s what I hope, that if I carry on writing, that one day that miracle will happen and I will find myself in a different universe, creatively speaking.
I realised that at the moment I can think about this dream with confidence, even if it is still in the planning stages, but planning to achieve my desire to be a mother is a whole different story.
Becoming a mother is something that I think about a lot, probably too much if one listens to the "just relax" brigade. I will be driving along and see a kid on a bike and think, "That could be my son in 10 years time. Will he be adopted? How will he fit in? Should we do another insemination this year? Should we carry on trying? I’m worried about my short cycles. I must ask my RE about them next time. Mmm, when is the next time I seem him…" and I’m off, thinking and planning. Or I will cooking and I’ll think, "If we had a child, would he like soy sauce and ginger and garlic? If I had a daughter or a son, would they be here in the kitchen with me, playing with toy cars along the counter tops or drawing a picture of me and H? How do we get there? What should I do?" and I’m off thinking, as if enough thinking will bring me the answer.
The thing is, I can plan to write and improve my writing and work on stories and articles and I think I could get somewhere, I still have a certain amount of faith that the miracle will happen and my writing will take off, but I can plan inseminations and healthy diets and stress-free months and get nowhere. I have been waiting for the miracle for so long, I wonder if I am not in a dark room trying to think the light turned on when actually the bulb has blown and I should simply move to the next room.
I’m not ready, though. I still need to stay here in the dark. There is still a tiny part of me that believes the light will come on, that a miracle will happen and I will fall pregnant and I will carry the baby to term. It’s just a lot harder than taking one step, then a miracle happens and I’m stepping out as a mother. It’s a hell of a lot of steps.
