First of all, thank you so much to everyone who has commented and especially to those sweet, sweet bloggers who have sent people here. It means so much to me to have your words. It also feels like a little recognition of my daughter and I am so glad she had that, that she didn't just disappear in the night, never to be acknowledged by anyone except H and me. Thank you, your support has helped so much in this horrible, sad time.
I have come home for a week. My parents have a beautiful home and it is somewhere where I always feel at peace. I am a mess, I burst into tears all the time but it helps to be here and be surrounded by mist and greenery and quiet. My parents also have a puppy and he is so cute, you can't help smiling when he bounds along through the long grass with his tongue out and enjoyment of life in every bounce.
I think about what to do a lot. I wake up in the morning thinking, "What on earth do I do?" and lie there as long as possible before my father calls me for breakfast. It's also good to be here with my parents and their routine and not in the flat while H has to work. I just couldn't cope with being alone all day at the moment. I know that, even me who loves to be alone, at this point I realise that for my health I need people around me.
I wonder whether we should try IVF one more time. After all, this can't happen a third time can it? But I know it can, and still this unbelievable desire to have a child pushes me on and says, "Just try once more." I think about going to see a specialist who deals with premature rupture of the membranes but I have no idea who. Is there even a specialist? It seems like a condition one can do nothing about, except try and see. We are planning on contacting an agency who deals with surrogacy. I thnk about starting the adoption process. I think about trying all three; doing an egg retrieval and storing them while we start the surrogacy procedings and attending the first adoption meeting. I think about just accepting that we won't have children and it seems both easy to do and impossible to accept. It's just more of the same, which is not bad. We have a good life. H and my relationship is stronger than I would have thought possible, we love to travel and go out to restaurants, we could have a nice life without kids. And then I think of H with children and my sisters having children and I think that we have to carry on, just a little bit more. I guess I am just not ready to stop yet. And I have no idea whether that is a good thing or a bad thing. There are arguments for both.