Eating

I am eating everything I can lay my hands on. It's an all out binge, stop-at-the-garage-on-the-way-home-to-buy-choc-chip-cookie type binge. Bad. Bad. Bad. I just feel empty and I cannot be bothered to delve down and discover why, or how to solve this emptiness. Although I would probably not need to delve that far down.

"Why do you think you feel empty, Carlynn?"

"Well, Dr. Freud, I lost my baby. I have no other babies and I feel this terrible hole inside of me. I'm just trying to fill it."

"And you think a choc chip cookie can fill this gaping hole?"

"Mmmm, working on it. One packet weighs 500g and that is about equivalent to my son when I lost him. Interesting that, I hadn't realised that similarity. A touch gruesome but interesting. Actually very gruesome. Can we talk about something else?"

"Anything you like, Carlynn. What would you like to talk about?"

"Collage techniques. I'm very into collage at the moment."

"I see. And why do you think that is?"

"Pasting something pretty over my life? Creating something I feel is more acceptable to the world than my same old problems which everyone has heard about 700 times? Trying to find a different depiction of loss? Trying to make sense of it all and to digest it? Take your pick, Dr. Freud."

"Interesting. Which one would you pick, Carlynn?"

"I'm actually feeling a bit peckish. Do you mind if I have a chocolate? Here, would you like one, they're very good. Lindt milk chocolate with nuts."

And so delving only brings gruesome thoughts to light. Unbelievable memories too actually. I cannot believe I was once pregnant. I cannot believe I was once carrying a baby. Such a brave, mischevious little baby too. Now it simply feels unreal, almost like something I invented. I could not have lost a baby. That sort of dramatic thing does not happen to me, that sort of story that makes you gasp when you hear it. Was that really me who that all happened to? And now here I am, in my same old life, chatting to my same friends, planning trips as always, dreaming to going to Laos and Vietnam, reading two books a week, looking for new recipes with garlic and ginger and lemon juice. It seems almost like I dreamed it. And then I open the violet envelope slipped into an old journal and I see the ultrasound photos, the little boy taking shape and I remember feeling his personality start to brush against mine and how protective I tried to be. And how I failed. I am sorry, my darling, I am so sorry.

"Think happy thoughts, darling," as my mother would say. Happy thoughts. Collage. Chocolate. Pink paint. I'm actually fine, just eating my head off. Must stop before I start exploding out of my fat wardrobe. And I was doing so well, I had actually lost a little weight. Oh well, happy thoughts, happy thoughts. Maybe I can have a little chocolate for breakfast.

Comments

[Nearlydawn]

So sorry.

It just isn't right that IVFs fail, is it? I mean really, so much effort goes into them that you would expect them to HAVE to work.

I'm hoping that the cravings don't last too long. Indulge a little, soothe your soul, then quit. It is allright.

[Pamela Jeanne]

Carlynn this is so poignant and so absolutely spot on in describing the indescribable. Your post captures the essence of pregnancy and IVF loss and the surreal nature of having life continue on around us as though nothing happened. The whole experience can seem like a dream, a nightmare really, that is so misunderstood. Thank you for expressing it in a way that brings some clarity to it.

[niobe]

I know what you mean. It does have this air of unreality, as if it never really happened, as it were something I read about in a very sad book a long time ago.

[Carrie]

Wow, what a beautiful, if somewhat disturbing, post.
Disturbing because it makes so much sense and I never thought of it that way.

I can't believe I was ever pregnant either. It all seems like a hazy dream.

So sorry you are suffering like this. Take care. x

[Artblog]

Nice post, sad and so true but very good all the same.

Have a choc on me sweetie :) HUGS

[art-sweet]

oh craparoo.

I find that chocolate is especially good at filling holes when you don't bolus extra for it.

Because really, who does your freakin' body think it is anyway...

Sending you hugs and virtual chocolates by the boxload.

[Lyrehca]

Oh Sweetie, I am sorry. I too have eaten my way through the kitchen, for other reasons, and your post reverberates. Just so sorry.

[tuesday]

:(
Now I want cookies. And to give you a hug. And more cookies.